The End (for now)

I think I'm in shock.

I'm calm, sad, stoic, a bit numb, but in shock. So, as most of you know through my text sent today, our blastocyst passed on this morning and our cycle was cancelled.

So, since I've captured everything, it's time to capture this experience too.

~~~~~~~
I could barely sleep all night. I was so excited. I beginning praying early in the morning, to my passed loved ones, to Beanie, to all of my friends on the other side, asking for guidance and strength in this process. I danced for Mark in the kitchen, what I like to call the "corn dance" and we talked about how exciting that today we'd be bringing our little one home. We laughed and smiled and made all sorts of milestone comments, the morning was sweet, and rich and full of hope. It was beautiful and nothing can change that.

My morning with Jonah was also sweet. I nursed him on and off the entire morning, because I had wanted to feel *just him and I* one last time before bringing the blast home in my womb. I just wanted some me and him time, and I made time for it and it was good and fulfilling. The time came, the nanny came in, we acclimated and Mark and I drove off. We were giddy, excited, hearts racing. We took a video (we took a video every single IVF appointment and milestone with Jonah's transfer) and we talked to the screen about how today was the day and we would meet our little one again. Mark was cautious as he always is, but the ride there was another exciting time (full of stops to pee, my poor bladder! I'd been drinking since the morning time.)

Once we got to the hospital, Mark suggested I get out and pee first and then he'd park and meet me in the lobby. I checked in up front and made a joke with the receptionist "I'm here to take home my bebe!" (I said that with a Austin Powers accent, by the way)

I curled up into the same chair in the lobby I always curl up into and picked up a People magazine. Flipping through I kept looking up to see when Mark was coming. The nurse K came out to see me and I said excitedly "So good to see you K! Today's the day!" Mark came through the door and I smiled at him and I thought the look on his face was strange. He said he needed to talk to me in the back room. I was confused. Why would he need to talk to me if I'm about to go into acupuncture?

He pulled my hand into an empty room and all of a sudden I was outside my yard again with the neighbor bringing my mauled chihuahua. The shock of loss while in such a complete opposite mindset is a trauma I cannot explain. When everything is good one moment, and then gone the next, it's unsettling, truly the word disturbing. To my soul, my psyche, my ability to just simply understand.

The same energy of Beanie's death loomed in the air and he sat me down on the chair and said while parking the car, the clinic had called him and told him that the blast had died during the thaw. I don't think the information really sunk in. I stared at him, the floor, the walls. And we cried. We held each other. We talked. And cried more. I cried for 41 days of medications and plenty more days of hope. I cried for the loss of something I don't think I could possibly explain.

And then I accepted. I accept. I accept that this has happened, I accept that it didn't make the thaw and that life must and will go on. I accept that this is a risk we knew the odds were on our side,but we knew this could have happened and unfortunately it did and we must heal and move on.

I will tell you I have a sadness in me that hits deep. My chest is heavy, the loss of the potential is overwhelming. I feel foolish for researching baby things over the last months. I admit to a mourning of not only my blast, but the thoughts and dreams I'd had over Jonah and his sibling at this age, proximity in ages, taking pregnancy tests over the next week, getting morning sickness, feeling movements all over again. Sure, just a bit delayed, but a sense of grieving none the less, if nothing less than potential.

And so that's it. That entire journey, gone within seconds. I started this blog almost six months ago, wow.

As I promised in my letter to my blastocyst:

"And with this letter, I must say my little blastocyst, that should you not survive this process, should you not survive the thaw, should you not survive to live ten months in my womb like your brother, that I thank you for giving us hope and experience in this journey. I thank you for letting Jonah "go first" and I thank you for the three years you waited to come back home.

Should you not join our family little blastocyst, I promise you I will acknowledge, recognize, and honor the menstrual blood that separates you from me weeks later. I will take pause and appreciate the precious things around me, the amazingness which is every single second of life that we often forget."


So I will do this and of course leave room for my sadness and healing. We'll try again early next year sometime. We will need to do a full "fresh" IVF cycle which involves a lot more meds, a lot more injections, one surgery for Mark and one for me. It's a tough road, a full cycle. But we'll get through it.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have supported me and listened to me and maybe been at the end of my Queen Bitch phases. Love to all of you.

Less than 18 hours

Well, the time has come. I am nervous, scared, emotional, excited, all of the above. The clinic let us know that our blast would be thawed early tomorrow morning and would then wait for us at noon.

I feel speechless, or wordless as it were.

So maybe I'll just leave it at that. I've said enough for now. An update after we get home. Hopefully with a picture of our blast.

2 days

2 days. I'm getting excited. The clinic called me today to let me know my transfer would begin at noon. I get there at 10:45 for the acupuncturist which lasts for 45 minutes. Afterward I go into the "operating room" and we begin the procedure.

I found the post I wrote from our last transfer.

As I recall from my own memories....

There are two or three big monitors in this big room, the monitors are looking at what looks like a petri dish. There is a glass panel with a lab person behind it. You never really speak to them except....this person calls out your name and spells it letter by letter, first name, last name, all spelled - confirms birth date, confirms the transfer of one embryo.

Doctor looks excited and more serious than he's been since our first consult, you can tell he takes his job seriously as he carefully moves his hands. (by the way, I'm in tremendous pain this entire time from the bursting bladder, it was hard to recognize anything) Mark was taping the whole thing, so the red light on the flip camera was glowing under the lights.

The lab person magnifies many, many times and alas, there it is. Our blastocyst. What ended up being Jonah. Mark squeezes me as we see them "suck up" Jonah through a straw and then analyze the remaning fluid to ensure they had sucked him up properly.

Under ultrasound the doctor pulls up my uterus and you see it's shape on another screen. He's calling out instructions to a nurse about different things he needs (gloves, gauze, this, that) He says he sees the spot he wants to drop the embryo.

Then they transferred him, and I remember looking up to the ceiling, how weird all of this is! I just had our baby put in me! Afterward, we were wheeled back into the acunpunturist room and I demanded a bed pan. Oh my was that the best pee ever. Siiiigh.

So the needles, and I listed to Enya on my Ipod and imagined the blastocyst falling onto my thick, sticky uterus and staying there and making a home. I pictured it burying into my womb, I stayed calm. It was surreal. It was like "ok, wait - so um all done? Ok, so uh - that's it?!"

Everything is similar this time around with acupuncture and the transfer schedule (hopefully with less bladder pains). I have planned to have Lorena Mckennit's song "Bonny Portmore" playing immediately after the transfer. This is where I will imagine our little blastocyst making yet a new home with me. Back with me, I should say.

Mark's nervous. A lot is riding on this, folks. A lot of work and money and meds and emotional bandwidth, and I've maintained a level of positivity throughout the entire process but sometimes I can't help but get weepy and scared this won't work.

I'm in a better place to understand it, but it will still hurt. The experience however is beautiful, and this I wouldn't change for a thing.

3 more days

3 more days. Whew.

Good thing too because Queen Bitch showed up over the weekend. Not pleasant. Let's move on.

The PIO shots make me tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Like pregnancy tired. But I was able to nap today which was like, um, incredibly rare so that was nice. Shots are still going in, so I guess they're going well, but I look forward to stopping those.

We have managed Jonah though and since he HAD to know what we were doing, he now sits on his little chair in the room while "momma gets medicines". He waits patiently and I smile to him while I lay on the bed and Mark gives me the shot. We talk about 'making brothers and sisters' and I know he has no clue what's going on, but the fact that he gets to participate in this process is awesome to me, something I don't think I'd ever thought of before.

I'm gonna try not to fill my bladder as much for transfer. I've been reading more and more about it, and there's no real data saying it improves implantation rates, it more assists the doctor to be able to put the catheter in more accurate, which is great and all, but there hasn't been much data on whether or not the u/s guidance is even needed or a just 'drop it in the womb' approach is best.

all in all, I'm not going to torture myself. This isn't labor. I don't need to 'push through the pain' for the transfer. It was traumatizing the first time around, I felt violated and I don't want to repeat that experience. I can have a full bladder, but I don't need to be in that much pain.

SO ANYWAY - 3 more days.

Ow, my ass.

So this morning I was a lunatic. Scared about my IM injection.

Mark woke me up this morning to take my shot and I was highly anxious. And by highly anxious I mean marriage-damaging with my fright, raving like a lunatic, shaking - I was terrified about my shot.

(this is after 10 tattoos and a natural birth.)

Mark was patient, gentle and ready to take aim. (a little TOO ready if you ask me)

To make a very long story short (like seriously 45 minutes of raving/ranting/worrying) finally I was in position, ready for the inch and a half needle to plummet into the depths of my poor muscle. I felt like a cow. I wondered if my butt was a sirloin or a nice filet. I hope a filet so the muscle would be tender. :-)

BOOM. Needle in. Oh damn, that's not so bad, oh wait, OW, ok, almost done, OW, ok ready to pull it out, ok DONE. Needle is out. WHEW. IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!

right???

Mark looks at me. And looks at the needle.

"Oh no, there's still medication in the needle. Royal fuck up. I'm so sorry."

"Oh my god. We have to do this AGAIN?"

"Like I said, royal fuck up. Totally my bad."

I had to laugh. The look on his face and the hilarity of the entire morning was laughable and fit for a cartoon.

BOOM, in goes the second one. Done, for real this time.

Until tonight. And two times tomorrow and twice daily for the following five days. :-)

My butt is certainly sore, almost down to the kneepcap but it just feels like my brother punched/kneed me hard in thigh like he did that one Christmas. (grumble, grumble)

I feel much better about the process now and am not as fearful as before. I'm sure I'll get anxious before each injection but at least I know what I'm in for, and at least I have one hell of a nurse.

Thanks, honey. :-)

T - 5.5 days (Transfer Date Confirmed!!)

Wow. Less than a week.

I went into my ultrasound and blood work appointment today. As I was walking into the hospital, I saw the doctor who was about to give me the u/s crossing the parking lot. How odd I thought, this man crossing the parking lot is about to have a wand in my vag in less than 10 minutes. Yes, these thoughts do permeate my head, and yes you do get the pleasure of reading them. :-)

My estrogen came back as 967!!! From 285??? Holla!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. O said my uterine lining already passed the thickness they require (8-12 MM) and I'm at 13.5. He said it's time to pull the trigger and get this embryo home.

The nurse called and confirmed my embryo transfer is on...........

Wednesday September 29, 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so it is. My next steps are as follows:

• Stop the fucking Lupron. (Ok, so she didn't say that verbatim but you get it.)
• Continue putting 4 patches of estrogen on my stomach every 48 hours
• Begin taking Medrol
• Continue vaginal pills of Estrace
• START THE HORRIBLE ASS INTRAMUSCULAR SHOTS IN MY ASS

I dread these injections in my butt and to think of a toddler running around whilst Mark trying to give me one makes me sick to my stomach. I think we may put him in the empty bathtub with some toys and run out and do the injection. The one time Mark 'wiggled' the needle while it was inside my muscle I almost fell out of the bed writhing in pain. I felt impaled. I was sure he took a sword to my ass. He did not. He 'wiggled'.

• Transfer booked
• Nanny booked
• Acupuncture before and after the transfer booked

It's close. I can feel it.

T- 7.5 days

Holy nausea. Yikes. So familiar with first trimester sickness, the past 5 days or so has gotten more and more nauseous . Like a boat, really. I'm hanging in there but woah, bed spins without the fun part before.

So, thanks for that four Vivelle patches. I look forward to meeting your other four brothers tomorrow. :-)

Thursday is my last estrogen check and they will call me later that afternoon to confirm my transfer day for sure. This is also the dreaded day I start the IM injections. See here.

My butt is quivering already.

T- 10 days

It's always so validating when the doctor sticks in the vaginal ultrasound wand and goes "Great, great!" with a big smile on her face. Ding! Where before I would ponder over every shadow and stripe, I saw what looked to me like a sparkling shiny uterus and I was happy, ready to go now!

She said my uterine lining looked "wonderful!"

Just got the call from the clinic staff, my estrogen went from 155 to 285!!! Nicely done uterus. Like open arms you have, welcoming our little one into your cozy great room.

My next steps instructions:

-Begin vaginal pill of additional estrogen tonight (Estrace)

-Continue Lupron injections

-Add 4 estrogen patches

-LAST Appointment (OMFG!!) - 9/23

T- 11 days til transfer

Holy crying jags batman!

Yes, you heard me right. My estrogen has reached the level that makes women cry at commercials and weep over the smallest of things. Though to me they don't feel small. I've been grieving over the loss of my Beanie and finding things to rage at as well (Hi Hubby!). I've been doing a swell job of containing The Beast but the tears have definitely started.

This part kind of feels good in a way because it allows me the opportunity to sob. And I mean a good sob too. The kind where your whole body gets into it. And afterwards it's as though you've run a mental marathon. But it feels better.

And today I feel better than yesterday and tomorrow maybe better than today. All in all, things are good. I have an estrogen check and ultrasound appointment tomorrow and I am eager to see what the results are.

Last time my estrogen was 155, this time ....? Let's hope my uterine lining is getting nice and fat and juicy.

Lupron shot gone wrong

This is what a Lupron shot gone wrong looks like. I accidentally injected my appendectomy scar about a week ago and the bruise has been so awful looking. It's finally turning a green hue but for a while it was dark black. Now I check for scars before I inject given I have 7 from 3 different surgeries on my abdomen! The redness was from me SCRAPING off the glue from the previous patches!

Did you check out the THREE estrogen patches currently taking home on my stomach?

Your estrogen be lookin' good!!!

I went in for my blood draw today and indeed my estrogen has gone from Under 25 to 155.

Now it's time for three new patches tomorrow morning and to continue my Lupron shots.

I have another blood draw and ultrasound this Sunday and one appointment left on Thursday.

Then it's D-Day! Or maybe I should say B-Day for Blast! But then that's like birthday isn't it. It's kind of like a birth day! Ok, I'm stretching now. I'll still call it B-Day.

:-) Go estrogen!

It's official! We're in cycle!

I had my suppression check Saturday morning and all was sufficiently suppressed and there were no cysts or anything else Funky growing in and on my womb. She was pleased.

So this morning I reduced the Lupron to a 1/4 of what I was taking, and I started taking the estrogen patches which go on my stomach. Those are no biggie and are closest to the nicotine patch I can think of to describe. Except it's shooting a bunch of Woman-Juice into my system that should make me have at least 234 crying jags and 2 and a 1/2 rage sessions. Mark can't wait! Heh.

Next up is an Estrogen check on Wednesday to confirm my estrogen is rising nicely. The nicer it rises, the nicer my uterine lining thickens up in preparation for our blastocyst. The next 13 days are all about making my uterus nice and thick and attractive. I will spend the next two weeks switching the patches from 1 to 2, to 2 to 3 and 3 to 4 and 4 over and over a couple of times and then once they think it's good to go, well start drinking your water ladies, it'll be show time.

A little over two weeks until the big day. Crazy.

CD20 - Stop the BCP!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Jesus, the day has come. Today is my last birth control pill.

EFF YOU BIRTH CONTROL PILL!

Ok, actually it wasn't THAT bad. (I can hear my husband chuckling in the distance). A couple days of Raging BitchLand and then normalcy, or whatever that means in this moment.

So, I made the 18 days. I made it, I made it!

Now to continue this Loathsome Lupron and check my suppression this coming Saturday.

We asked the embryologist to tell us a little more about our little blastocyst and how it compared in quality to Jonah as an blastocyst . Here was the response. I love our embryologist. :-)

"The embryo (Jonah) we transferred in your fresh cycle was a expanded blastocyst with a inner cell mass (this part makes the babyJ) grade of A and a trophectoderm (this part makes the placenta J) grade A. The one we froze was an expanded blastocyst with an inner cell mass of grade A and a trophectoderm grade B. The differences are very subtle but the one we transferred was ever so slightly better. It is like comparing an A+ to an A."

A little over 3 weeks until transfer!

CD17 - Day 4 of Lupron

Today's shot went in easier and didn't leave a marble under my skin. I still have a migraine so I called the clinic to check in on both things. I don't remember any lumps or any trouble really the first time around with my sub q shots so I'm not sure what's different this time around.

If you do a simple Google search for "Oh my god, what is happening to my head after taking this effen Lupron medication" you will come up with a million stories from my fellow IVFers on this dreaded Lupron headache.

So, I need to change my mindset, kind of like labor and just power through this. 3 more days on BCP, whew.

CD16 - Day 3 of Lupron

I just feel shitty. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive but I just feel run down, sore, achey and annoyed. I've had a migraine for 2 days now. Nursing has been just so, so painful. I'm sure this is what it's like to have your milk dry up and nurse in pregnancy. It's so, so painful. The right boob especially, since I know you want ALL the details.

So anyway, I get to stop the BCP on Monday (oh thank god) and next Saturday is my suppression check to see if I can start my estrogen.

Ok, back to being run down. Off to take a nap, take care of my toddler all day.

CD13 - First Injection

First Lupron injection today!

We captured it for memories sakes just like the first time. This time we had a little Big Boy in the background helping us out.

12 more days of Lupron! Next step is to continue the BCP and the Lupron until my next appointment on Sep 11 where they will check to see if I'm properly suppressed before pumping me full of estrogen to make my lining nice and thick.

I'm 14 days into the 41, almost half way there!

CD11 - QB has calmed down

That's right. The Queen has calmed down. The hormones seemed to have equalized a bit, and while still terse and without my normal low dose of tolerance, I seem to be out of the 'crazy cloud'.

Now on to my Lupron injections starting Tuesday! I'm gonna prep the meds and needles tomorrow night and make sure I remember how to do it all. Exciting. Let's hope I don't turn into a werewolf in mid-day.

Me on Lupron?

My milk supply has certainly tanked. While I still have milk, here on day 10 of the estrogen and progesterone intake, I can feel a noticeable difference. Nursing also HURTS. It's like what it feels like during ovulation and my period but about two to three times worse. I'm finding myself limiting him like "wait until nap" which he readily has been accepting so that's been good.

Otherwise, all is well in my world. Well and calm and continuing to press forward.

CD8 - Still Bitchy!

I've really been a bitch. Irritated. Agitated. Annoyed and without tolerance.

So far, Mark is getting the brunt of it and its only been 48 hours since the Queen Bitch came out. But I know it feels like weeks.

I'm trying to reel her in. Sigh.

Queen Bitch

The Queen Bitch has shown her ugly head! My mom and husband can attest that indeed I have been a testy lady as of late! I seemed to have lost my 'sensitive' filter' somewhere between last night and this afternoon.

Now to reign her in!

CD6 - Day 5 of BCP

Still here, still surviving! So far I'm doing great on the BCP and we're five days in. Less than two more weeks on these bad boys.

I start Lupron next Tuesday which is a huge step toward our goal.

So, not much to report. My boobs are growing from the meds but there seems to be no impact on milk supply yet though I have to report he's been nursing like a newborn lately so maybe there is an impact?

Anyway, all is well, my uterus is prepping and excitingly rubbing its uterus hands in anticipation.